Microstiff - Microsoft Outings of the Third Kind

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Vomitus KoolAidicus

A recent Mini-Microsoft poster said:

I am impressed. Jeff Raike announced in the http://give web site that MSFT has raised 63 millions for the giving campaign.

I think our partners should have given a lot this time. Good for them and good for all of us."

…And, Merry Christmas one and all Tiny Tim.

Ahhooecchhh! There, I finally did it. After threatening all these times, I've gone and done it. No...You clean it up...I just can't. My stomach acid and your grape Kool-Aid wafting through the air...makes me...well...want to…well…puke!

You know, it's amazing to me what some of you partners will talk about as your company gears up to put coal in everyone's geek-white Xma$ stockings. "Here, let's give uncle Bob that box of 5.25" floppies he's always wanted. Double-density!"

“Computer, Billy? No can do. Yah see, (Bush-ian speak), we're not ready with our OS quite yet. And, we can't figure out which one to give you, if we were. The one called Basic is good only for those 3rd world, wood-burning computers. Ultimate isn't for sale at any price (well, at least you can't buy it with an upgrade coupon).”

Acer thinks we're trying to do a squeeze play on their marketing plan and the rest aren't talking for fear of banishment from the Evil Empire.

Doesn’t it seem like the end product of your one-and-only American Monopoly is a one-and-only monopoly on abject chaos? Screwed up decisions, one-after-the-other? This whole company should be a ten volume case study in “how to do almost everything wrong and make a killing!” Oh, if that were only true. The “killing” was fortuitously made years ago when Microsoft became the only game in town for operating systems and office productivity.

Since those days, Microsoft management has taken on a “let them eat cake” mentality. Ask yourself, Microsofties, which Microsoft product or service has been introduced to the world at large without some serious purchasing caveat that has to return to the drawing board for serious rewrite?

Let’s move backward from Vista to prove this point: WGA, EULA, Vista Coupons, Vista Basic, Vista Ultimate, Vista featureless, Vista Hardware Requirements, Vista Pricing, Vista and the OEMs, Vista EU, blah, blah, blah. It’s comical, really. How can so many smart people be so dumb? Answer: Because they can. Why? No consequences for their actions.

Screw up? Just dig into that Scrooge McDuck Money Bin. No one, not the CFO, not the partners, not Bill Gates and not the stockholders will call you out on it! In fact, we all know you can screw up, not get fired, leave and come back at a higher status and pay level. Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t an Ivy-generated League of Incompetence. I mean, really, that many in one place should be illegal!

Recap: Tiny Tim La-La Land Mini-Microsoft poster causes Writer’s Vomitus causing knee jerk reaction to Vista Christmas Snafus causing WTF reaction to Microsoft non-responsibility clause in every manger’s contract, causing gratuitous remark about Ivy League of Incompetence causing…

Sense of resignation. Carry on!



Mini-Microsoft: Ba-Da-????
Mini-Microsoft: Microsoft FY07Q1 Results

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Microsoft as a Sales Organization – Bushes and Salesmen – Who’s Beatin’ Who?


A recent Mini-Microsoft poster wrote:

So, with all this talk about partners being buttered up and the programmers being starved poor - do the engineers realize that unless the partners (well at least, the better ones) were selling the product they are building, no one gets paid? Partners will undoubtedly get paid more than your top notch software engineer for a good reason too - they rake in the money with their skills. Most engineers wouldn't know their a-hole from a hole in the ground when it comes to selling or communicating with people.”

Well, dear writer, you are correct. Sales people DO GET PAID MORE than most folks – not just engineers – because of what they must do. Imagine the average bear getting up every morning and facing people they’ve never met before to convince them that they need something you, and quite likely others, have. Not for the faint of heart.

Not so fast! What if you have products that bring in 80% of your revenues and profits that DON’T REQUIRE THE CONVINCING OF OTHERS TO SELL THEM? You know, the ubiquitous and competition-less Microsoft Windows, Internet Explorer and Office. Does this make you a salesman or an ORDER TAKER? I am going to go with the latter.

So, the case can be made that 80% of Microsoft’s revenues come from products that SELL THEMSELVES! This means that a Microsoft engineer would MOST ASSUREDLY RECOGNIZE his a-hole from a HOLE IN THE GROUND when it comes to selling ALMOST ALL of Microsoft’s products!

This writer, in fact, pulled aside three (3) Microsoft engineers and performed a little test. Each was given a copy of Vista installed on a new OEM PC and then asked to convince the OEM to purchase the copy of Vista. Each succeeded by MERELY POINTING to the PC. No verbal communication was required!

Next, each engineer was asked, when confronted by a black hole making a huge sucking sound just outside the entrance to Microsoft Redmond and just a little left of the flagpole, "which is your very own a-hole and which is a hole in the ground?" To a PERSON, each responded correctly. So, you see, Microsoft engineers CAN communicate successfully about their bleeding edge products.

Not so fast, you say! What about other Microsoft products. Doesn’t it take a capable sales professional to sell Dynamics, for instance? Why, yes, it does.

“C’mon pardner, let’s saddle up and mosey on down to that huge black hole with the sucking sound near the flagpole. I heard tell that’s the sound of that there Dynamics sucking down the Office “bottom line”. Pshaw!”

“Why, Ned, them things just sell themselves, don’t they?”

“Golly, you’d think so, Newt. Them Great Plains folks didn’t seem to have any trouble. Maybe we should see how they did it. Whadaya say, Newt?”

“Heck, no, Ned. We got our Innovator reputations to protect. We kin figure it out ourselves. After all, we's highly-paid, cold-calling, desire-building professional closers; them ones Microsoft thought they's a gettin' when they hired us. Ain’t we, Ned? Ned? Oh, my gawd! That there SUCKING HOLE done swallered Ned right up!”



Mini-Microsoft: Microsoft FY07Q1 Results
Mini-Microsoft: Ba-Da-????

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Saturday, October 28, 2006

How Now, Cash Cow? – A Pragmatist’s Analysis of Projected Microsoft Vista Sales, Revenues and Profits

Microsofties, be afraid, be very afraid. Why, because based upon some very simple anecdotal conclusions, Vista’s grand entrance may be the very first half-step in turning the Microsoft OS Cash Cow into a Pig in a Poke.

Vista Sales as Installed on New PC’s

Steve Ballmer says that there are, on average, “200 million new PC sales each year” as of 2006. Whatever that number is, the pragmatist sees that sales of Vista through this channel represent no significant change in Microsoft sales and revenue and, more likely, a drop in profits. Here’s why:

  • Vista has no significant buying proposition for users. This means, PC sales will unlikely be influenced by the new OS features. Thus, there will be little if any incremental PC sales resulting from Vista features.
  • Given that XP and Vista have similar selling prices, installed Vista PC sales represent no “new and increasing sales revenues.” In other words, business as usual.
  • Profits will be lower per copy because of administration costs involved in promoting and supporting the new OS.
  • PC sales, irrespective of OS, are expected to slow in 2007.

CONCLUSION: Little if any incremental 2007 OS sales from Installed PC sales and most likely, a drop in profits resulting in the 2007 sales from this market sector.

Vista Consumer Retail Sales

Of course, there will be retail consumer sales of Vista in all its forms, in 2007. The early adopters and techno freaks will buy it, sight unseen. They’ll, no doubt, fumble through its installation because…well…because…it’s what they do! What about Joe Average? Anecdotal evidence points to…”Not so fast!” Here’s what I'm hearing:

  • “No Features” – No compelling reason to buy. Aero looks nice but “gimmicky” and won’t be used that often. Gadgets? Just that. Security? Mine is all in place for free and updated daily.
  • Gotta buy more ram and video to make Aero fly – Thank you very much, Microsoft, but $200 - $300 more for a $200 to $300 OS puts me at $400 to $600 outa pocket! For what?
  • Bloggers are saying “install Vista from scratch”. You gotta be kidding! My apps all work great with XP and I don’t want the hassle!
  • Bugs, bugs, bugs - SP1 is when it first all shakes out for any Microsoft OS.

CONCLUSION: Retailers sold 250,000 copies of Windows XP in November, 2001, its first full month of availability, down from 400,000 in October of 2001. Anecdotal information above indicates these figures will surely be lower for Vista. Hey, these reasons are quite compelling, wouldn’t you say? Expect very slow consumer adoption. Revenues will fall short with profits down because of marketing and support fixed costs.

Vista Business Sales

Of course, there will be business sales of Vista in all its forms, in 2007. The early business adopters will buy it, but not nearly in the same numbers that consumers do. Hey, we're running a business here!

But, what about the average SMB? Anecdotal evidence points to…”Not so fast!” Here’s what I'm hearing:

  • “No Features” – Again, no compelling reason to buy. Aero looks nice but “gimmicky” and won’t be used that often in the biz environment. Gadgets? Just that. Security? We’re happy with ours; we spent beaucoup time fine tuning it. No time saving features. No productivity enhancements. No business proposition. No buy!
  • Gotta buy more ram and video to make Aero fly – Thank you very much, Microsoft, but $200 - $300 more for a $200 to $300 OS puts me at $400 to $600 outa pocket! For what?
  • Bugs, bugs, bugs - Again, SP1 is when it first all shakes out for any Microsoft OS. We’ll wait the year or two, or three?.
  • “If it Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” – Why bother? No compelling reason to buy. No time saving features. No productivity enhancements. What one company said in a CNET news article back in 2001, would seem to apply today:

“One company likely to take that route is Koch Industries, a diversified oil and gas investment and trading company that employs 11,000.

‘We would wait for the first service release to deploy Windows XP, so that would be early 2002 before we'd be willing to deploy," said Michael Korgie, Koch's director of infrastructure planning. The company is about six months along in a three-year migration to Windows 2000, he said. "We are not accelerating our normal PC refresh cycle to upgrade the OS.’”

CONCLUSION: Vista will be a non-player for businesses until the features arrive and bugs go away, even more so than XP was! And, the buying cycle today, for Koch Industries above, would likely be 3 years or more, if at all! Expect very slow business adoption. Revenues will fall short with profits down because of marketing and support fixed costs.

FINAL CONCLUSIONS:

  • Don’t expect stock values to soar.
  • Don’t expect that raise you had hoped for.
  • Don’t expect your company to do anything different but protect its ever drying up Cash Cow!
  • Don’t expect the same amount of respect from the outside world that you once had.


Mini-Microsoft: Microsoft FY07Q1 Results

Mini-Microsoft: Ba-Da-????

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Microsofties, I am worried…


  • I am worried that you might abandon Mini for the stage lights. That this opportunity LisaB has promised you is too powerful an aphrodisiac for you. Like the bipolar, alcoholic parent who, in a stage of relative calm, reaches out to you, to comfort you. The lure is powerful; the dream, the fantasy must be fulfilled, if only momentarily.

    Or, like the lost first love, still in your heart, your dreams, beckoning you to go back in time and get it right.
    “If only I had…” Powerful stuff.

    I urge you to look at your company’s creation of the internal Blog this way.
    A lure; an aphrodisiac.

    Understand.
    YOU are the Blog. The Blog is the message. Your company is only the messenger. What has changed about the messenger? Is the duck still a duck? Who will listen to your words? Will they be turned against you? Who will act on your behalf? What will their actions be? Remember this; YOU are the sane one in this equation. Reach out to those who are like you, who know your plight…or, you may be drawn MORE into the insanity.

    STEP # 1:
    PROCEED WITH READING AND POSTING ON THE COMPANY BLOG WITH CAUTION; KEEP EXPECTATIONS LOW.

  • I am also worried that you might eliminate outsiders from your “reality menu” by abandoning Mini. After all, abandon Mini, abandon Microstiff. Now, I don’t pretend to be everything you’ve ever wanted in an external voice. But, I will tell you this:

    I can turn a phrase so I’ll keep it interesting.

    I have a sense of humor, so I’ll keep it funny.

    I am a recovering – recovered? – addicted person with scads of time in every 12 step room there is and every kind of therapy there is.
    Don’t let that scare you; it just means that my levels of awareness exceed my levels of denial. And, that my addictions, lying, cheating, and the like are pretty much ruined…forever (food’s a bitch!)

    I read “The Road Less Traveled” by Dr. Scott Peck, many times over and so I have a good handle on what love is and how powerful it can be once we stop trying to fill ourselves up with it and begin to give it back.

    I have no get rich aspirations and therefore, I will not accept any remuneration for my efforts.

    Stage lights no longer appeal to me.

    Politics…suck!

    STEP # 2:
    CONTINUE TO LISTEN TO OUTSIDERS, EVEN LINUX TYPES, AS THEY CAN PRESENT A WORLD VIEW OF YOUR INSULAR COMPANY’S BEHAVIOR AND HELP YOU FIND BALANCE WITH YOUR JOB.

  • I am also worried that you will fall victim once again, as outsiders have, to the Accumulation Addiction syndrome your company promotes. What I mean by this is that, your company, since its inception, has consciously or subconsciously (probably the latter since awareness is not a strong point of Bill Gates’ makeup) strived to conquer all competitors and literally “be the only game in town.”

    As the Internet begins to chip away at this goal, fear of being dominated begins to overrule in the simplest of corporate decisions.
    One such result is the Internal Corporate Blog.

    You can be certain that this is NOT a LisaB brainchild but that of the child with the big brain:
    Bill Gates. This is nothing more than the desire to conquer all, once again, OWNING the opinions of the employees, and dispensing them to suit the needs of the very INSULAR Microsoft.

    The success of this brainchild will surely meet with the same kinds of success that other dominating endeavors have:
    MEDIOCRITY!

    STEP # 3:
    SEE THE BLOG FOR WHAT IT IS: “ANOTHER MICROSOFT SILO” DESTINED TO BECOME 2ND RATE AND SUPERFLUOUS. PRAY THAT IT DOESN’T.

  • Finally, I am worried that your company will neither successfully innovate nor copy, that Ray Ozzie cannot or will not rise up to become the spiritual (marketing) leader of your company and neither stockholders, board of directors nor Bill Gates will react in time to make Microsoft relevant in the 21st century.

    STEP # 4:
    PRAY. WHY? BECAUSE, SADLY, NOTHING YOU ARE DOING RIGHT APPEARS TO BE MAKING A DIFFERENCE.


Mini-Microsoft: Ba-Da-????

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Friday, October 20, 2006

Microstiff – We’re Just Messin’ with Yah, Darwin!

Survival of the Fittest. Natural Selection. The Strong will Survive. All different ways of saying there’s a natural thing in nature that insures the preservation of the species and…the demise of the weaker.

However, when you walk by Charles Darwin’s grave at Westminster Abbey, you may just hear the faint sound of elbows bouncing off the inside of his crypt. Why? The dude’s rolling over…in his grave! Why? Bill Gates!

Yah see (Bushesque), Charley just can’t understand the duality of Bill’s adherence to the most inviolate principle in the world: Natural Selection. Mr. Darwin rests peacefully when Bill ruthlessly eats his weaker competitors, eliminates outside security companies from his OS, or steals the ideas of small companies only to have to pay them triple, five years hence. Darwin at its best! Huzzah!

What drives dear old Charles absolutely bonkers is Mr. Gates codependent (“the dependence of two people, groups, or organisms on each other, especially when this reinforces mutually harmful behavior patterns”) behavior towards employees. Examples:

  1. It’s been known for years that you can leave Microsoft to pursue your dreams and should they fall through, be welcomed back into the fold, usually with more money and position.
  2. There is a system in place that minimizes your pay increases should you be too long in grade without good reviews. In other words, no raise, however, no firing; “keep up the mediocre work, we love you, Microsoftie.”
  3. There’s an entire level of employee at Microsoft known as a “Partner” who are essentially rewarded handsomely for having reached that level but are known to produce little of significant contribution to the corporate profits.
  4. People are seldom fired, just “reassigned”. One Microsoftie, on the popular Mini- Microsoft Blog says, “Until the price for failure is that you're gone not merely reassigned or demoted, then by and large it's just ineffectual business as usual.”

Yah see, you can’t have this schizophrenia with Natural Selection. The law is immutable. In other words, you can spit into the wind, for just a tad, but then, you get all wet. And, if your chewin’ tobacco, smelly. Yah see?

What keeps Microsoft from getting all wet and smelly? Deep pockets. The kind that are filled continually off the backs of unsuspecting Windows users – 850 million strong – who, time and time again purchase a monopolistic, mediocre operating system.

Bottom line: The schizophrenic application of an immutable theory which leads to nice paychecks in a company that won’t fire me. Don’t know about you but, if I came through the front door with high expectations and great talent, there’s a strong possibility I will be rewarded only for my mediocrity which will be passively promoted by the four (4) corporate policies noted above. In other words, the system is rigged and, because it goes against a law that’s proven, it cannot help but fail. So, why continue it?

Why indeed. Why does anyone continue what they are doing? Because there’s no immediate consequences for the behavior. With $35 billion in the bank, who gives a dead rat’s ass. Only the dead rat. Microsoft, how long before you see that, “you are that dead rat”.

Try this in the morning. When you get up to shave or put on your lipstick (hopefully not both) humbly picture yourself in the mirror…on your back. Four little feet pointing up in the air. Dopey little teeth sticking out. Eyes closed. Whiskers becalmed. S-shaped tail untwitching. That could be you. If Ray Ozzie doesn’t pull it off or SteveB doesn’t go to Live Services School or "how to purchase something without guilt because you've got more money than God..school" or Bill doesn’t stop the corporate codependent schizophrenia, then, when the billions get burned, you’ll be gone. And, based on the schizophrenia, that’ll be the only time…you’ll be gone.

Do you want to sit in your enforced mediocrity until then? If not, then speak up! Or, leave! You know why? Because, you can’t pull the mask off of old Lone Ranger and…you can’t mess around with Chuck Darwin.



Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Microstiff – Pullin’ Some Good Numbers Here, Mini!

In my quest for truth, justice and the American way, I thought I’d see if my words are bringing any readers to the Mini effort. Turns out my “piggybacking” is getting some good numbers. I hooked up with Google’s AdSense, not so much to make a few shekels but, to measure the hits. Surprise, surprise!

Won’t say how many but, enough for this author to blink twice and feel renewed regarding the rather symbiotic role I play with Mini. (Remember, folks, Mini and I don’t talk; it’s probably better that way).

So, I’ll continue to scour the lower regions while Mini feeds more near the top and, with your help, we can collectively…clean up the lake!

Carry on.



Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Microstiff – Are Ozzie and Hairless Still the Honeymooners?

Is the relationship between Ray Ozzie and his Live Services and Steve Ballmer and his Live Service initiatives becoming strained? Redmond’s not saying so, but we are. Here’s why:

  • Although Ray’s a “head down” kind of a developer guy, he’s got enough of that right brain working for him that he surely sees that single gadgets do not a Live Services platform make. And yet, single gadgets are what they have. A series of “one trick ponies” each in their own corral.
  • While Steve Ballmer’s deciding whether to make Works into Live Works, Google just gave us “Docs & Spreadsheets”, a way to create and share documents and spreadsheets, online. SteveB, we’re talking Internet time, here!
  • Ballmer had a chance to do the ad thing with MySpace and…blew it! Couldn’t spend that much money. Poppycock! Didn’t have time for the pain…of spending that much money. Where does that put Live Services? Still crunching out hybrid gadgets with no place to sell them. Where is the mojo, I ask you?
  • Next up, YouTube. Blew by so fast SteveB didn’t even have a chance to adjust his shorts, take a stiff shot of Crown Royale, wait for the onions to descend and grab the brass ring. Gone…in Internet time! Ray asks, “What else can we buy, boss?”, SteveB coughs, his juevos rancheros return to their sanctuaries, and a deafening silence ensues.
  • Ray “The Tail” is now wagging Steve “The Dog” and…this dog ain’t huntin’! Ray’s building thingies and there’s no place to put ‘em!
  • Ray’s not talking like we’d like him to talk: Part programmer, part innovator, part carnival huckster. Again…where is the mojo? I know that, when the stress is on, it can be much easier to get lost in programming than to deal with innovation/sales issues. Is this the case? Where is the leadership, the press releases, the work in process, the Blog, the excitement?
  • Ray is an innovator in a non-innovating company with no innovation policies and his boss doesn’t seem willing to address that state of affairs. The desktop is his sanctuary (except for those juevos). Right now, Live Services has NO COMPELLING BUSINESS PROPOSITIONS! Where are those going to materialize from?
  • No, folks, unless there’s a new attitude at the top and one that operates in Internet time, Live Services, even WITH Ray Ozzie at the helm, seems doomed to be going the way of every other project of half measures at Microsoft -- a floundering ménage of mediocre features haphazardly mingled into a faux system of solutions with no corporate compass or accountability for their success or failure.

So, if Ray Ozzie isn’t disappointed with the performance of Steve Ballmer and wondering how his part of the company can succeed, well then...I am FOR him... disappointed and disillusioned! He’s like the heart of a teenager, transplanted and beating strongly in the body of a poly-addicted behemoth of minimum awareness. Will that body attack him as "foreign"; will he eventually be chewed up, spit out and be seen hightailing it back to Marblehead or Fargo, like the rest of them? Or will he go with Steve Ballmer -- " To the moon, Alice, to the moon!"



Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Three (3) New LisaB PIC Captions. Yer gonna like these! ...maybe.

Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Microstiff - We've Got Big Butts, They've got Big Butts, But the Biggest Butts of All...

Softies, this is just a repost since Brier Dudley pre-empted my previous butt post. Hmmmm! Methinks there is something strange going on. Anyway, carry on:

Oh, BTW, three (3) new captions for LisaB pic here.

Check out the Ballmer Butt Bandits - New comment on Random October Bits Cutting Room Floor. The banner ad I see is trying to sell me “Anti Monkey Butt Powder”. Glad I could open you up to a whole new world of niche products. Gonna git me some!

Mini says SteveB is great one-on-one, which is a bit surprising in a posting with the title beginning “Ballmer Butt Bandits” but, who am I to judge?

Inside SteveB

Also, we get a rare peek into the inner sanctum, as it were, with a visual of Mini and SteveB, one-on-one, yucking it up. Nice guy. SteveB. He gets it!

Well, Mini, I get it too and, a lot like SteveB, I ain’t using it! I’m trying but, these little forays into poison pen purgatory have limited effect. But, I press ahead without fear.

And, that’s where SteveB and I differ because I believe SteveB is immobilized with fear; that he’s reaching for the Peter of his Principles, and with things not so firmly in hand, is fearfully pissing away the future of Microsoft!

Put another way, he’s writing his name in the snow but it’s illegible. And, it’s waaaaay too late to teach him Spenserian. “Here, let me show you, Steve. Not this writer, thank you very much! No, it’s time for someone with more Peter and equal Principle. Someone who ben dere, done dat. Otherwise, it’s gonna be one foot in the desktop, one in the Cloud and…a corporate pulled groin for the effort.

Too much allegory? Let’s try this: Stockholders. If you’re reading this. For the sake of your investment. For the sake of the strategic future of Microsoft. Tell SteveB thanks for the above average job to this point but, we need someone to take us forward. Happens to everyone. It’s happenin’ to you. Here’s your watch, here’s your trillion dollars. Thank you. Goodbye.



Rebutt the Shillmeister

Shillmeister’s up to new tricks. Said this:

">> My FUD just mirrors what most Softies have: Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. Your FUD mirrors MSFT's F@#Ked Up Decisions!>>

Tsk, tsk... Such animosity, sir... I think most people here realize by now that you don't constructively have the best interest of the company in mind... Since you are not an employee and you don't seem to be a concerned customer, what motivates you to kick us when we're down and to demonize us when we do something right?

Constructively, you'll probably get more real credibility here if you stopped calling us Softies."

Wow! Just now figured this one out. This is where the INTERNAL clever writer pits this EXTERNAL clever writer against the rank-and-file!

Not true, Softies! (What else should I call you? Tell me.) I want your success. You're good for us all. Just want you to get to the point where, when we hear your corporate name, we think "nice thoughts."

And, you need outside folks like me with no skin in the game to tell it like it is. Arrogant? Perhaps, but, in my heart-of-hearts, I want to do you right.

So, I wouldn't ever want to kick you when you're down (when have you been down?) and your leaders do a much better job than I could ever do, of demonizing you. I just hope you will rise up above the muck and mire of your sleazy corporate image and, one-by-one, day-by-day...prove us wrong. Go Softies!


Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Monday, October 16, 2006

Microstiff - Various Butts and Rebutts

Softies, check out the Ballmer Butt Bandits - New comment on Random October Bits Cutting Room Floor. The banner ad I see is trying to sell me “Anti Monkey Butt Powder”. Glad I could open you up to a whole new world of niche products. Gonna git me some!

Mini says SteveB is great one-on-one, which is a bit surprising in a posting with the title beginning “Ballmer Butt Bandits” but, who am I to judge?

Inside SteveB

Also, we get a rare peek into the inner sanctum, as it were, with a visual of Mini and SteveB, one-on-one, yucking it up. Nice guy. SteveB. He gets it!

Well, Mini, I get it too and, a lot like SteveB, I ain’t using it! I’m trying but, these little forays into poison pen purgatory have limited effect. But, I press ahead without fear.

And, that’s where SteveB and I differ because I believe SteveB is immobilized with fear; that he’s reaching for the Peter of his Principles, and with things not so firmly in hand, is fearfully pissing away the future of Microsoft!

Put another way, he’s writing his name in the snow but it’s illegible. And, it’s waaaaay too late to teach him Spenserian. “Here, let me show you, Steve. Not this writer, thank you very much! No, it’s time for someone with more Peter and equal Principle. Someone who ben dere, done dat. Otherwise, it’s gonna be one foot in the desktop, one in the Cloud and…a corporate pulled groin for the effort.

Too much allegory? Let’s try this: Stockholders. If you’re reading this. For the sake of your investment. For the sake of the strategic future of Microsoft. Tell SteveB thanks for the above average job to this point but, we need someone to take us forward. Happens to everyone. It’s happenin’ to you. Here’s your watch, here’s your trillion dollars. Thank you. Goodbye.



Rebutt the Shillmeister

Shillmeister’s up to new tricks. Said this:

">> My FUD just mirrors what most Softies have: Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. Your FUD mirrors MSFT's F@#Ked Up Decisions!>>

Tsk, tsk... Such animosity, sir... I think most people here realize by now that you don't constructively have the best interest of the company in mind... Since you are not an employee and you don't seem to be a concerned customer, what motivates you to kick us when we're down and to demonize us when we do something right?

Constructively, you'll probably get more real credibility here if you stopped calling us Softies."

Wow! Just now figured this one out. This is where the INTERNAL clever writer pits this EXTERNAL clever writer against the rank-and-file!

Not true, Softies! (What else should I call you? Tell me.) I want your success. You're good for us all. Just want you to get to the point where, when we hear your corporate name, we think "nice thoughts."

And, you need outside folks like me with no skin in the game to tell it like it is. Arrogant? Perhaps, but, in my heart-of-hearts, I want to do you right.

So, I wouldn't ever want to kick you when you're down (when have you been down?) and your leaders do a much better job than I could ever do, of demonizing you. I just hope you will rise up above the muck and mire of your sleazy corporate image and, one-by-one, day-by-day...prove us wrong. Go Softies!

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Friday, October 13, 2006

Microsoft – In the Zone: “The Comfort Zone of the Mediocre”

Feeling a little down lately, Bubby? Leaving work each day wondering how the code you wrote today fits into the whole scheme of things tomorrow? Anxious for a challenge but, looking around, you just don’t see one? Wondering if your company is self-imploding?

Not to worry, Softies. There’s a name for this condition. It’s called the "Microsoft Comfort Zone of the Mediocre". Now, before you throw a hissy fit, I’m not necessarily talking about you, Bubala . I’m talking about your company: Microsoft.

Want a way out of all this and still get to keep your Softie stripes? Listen up!

First, you must accept one simple mantra. You’ve heard it before, it’s trite but, like “One Day at a Time”, it can have a tremendous impact upon the future of your company (or any company, for that matter). It goes like this:

“Lead, Follow or Get Out of the Way”

That's right, “Lead, Follow or Get Out of the Way!” By lead, I mean Innovate - combine your creativity with action; by Follow, I mean copy - use price, features or synergy as your differentiator; by Get Out of the Way I mean “go do something else. Recap: Be a good Innovator, be a better copycat or just GTF out!

If you can feel that surge of leader/innovator blood coursing through your veins, by God, go do it! If you want to follow, well then be the best damn follower you can be! And, hey, when in doubt, do both, if you can. But, do one or the other or both or...get out!

Now, as a company, your products and services must be designed in the same way: Either innovatively or with some price, feature and/or in some synergistic combination with other products and/or services to provide an advantage...a buying proposition. Makes sense, yes? You either have to be first mover or build a better mousetrap, right? If not, the third choice will be made for you and you will...well...become irrelevant. See yah! Bye, bye, so long, farewell!

So, why do I apply this to you and your $35 billion-in-the-bank-$1-billion+revenue-per- month-company? Because, I believe you Softies are blindly entering an era where you are neither innovating nor building a better mousetrap and, if you don’t have the courage to change, in time, you will all become irrelevant. I say, “In time” because…it takes a while to burn up $35 billion. Tsk.

Let’s Look at Microsoft and Innovation (Tsk!)

There are no significant examples of Microsoft as innovator, both past and present. However, it should be mentioned that, when Bill Gates (1590 on SATs, estimated 170 IQ) licensed QDOS -- Quick and Dirty (prophetic?) Operating System, a version of CP/M licensed from Seattle Computer Products – in 1980, to IBM, the company that started the PC revolution and, shortly thereafter, MS-DOS to Compaq and offshore clones, he was, in effect demonstrating some of the elements of leadership, if not innovation, by capitalizing on that fortuitous sequence of events.

More Interesting History

With the PC explosion coming from IBM/Compaq, Microsoft cobbled together Windows 1.0 in 1981 using a derivative of Xerox while Apple did same. Since then, Apple’s GUI has been clearly easier to use and prettier to view, it’s just that Microsoft had all those PCs on which to put/force theirs. Windows 3.0 sold 10 million copies from 1990 to 1992 and the money came pouring in!

OK, Softies you know it and I know it; every single one of Microsoft’s products and technologies is copied or developed from prior art. If you don’t believe me, see David Wheeler's assessment here. And, it’s been this way throughout the years. It could be said that, “Microsoft doesn’t innovate, it captures.” So, it’s clear, Microsoft, that you can’t or won’t innovate. The question now becomes: What’s left to capture?

What’s Left to Capture

Used to be Microsoft would buy up the only game in town, add a few bells, fewer whistles and shove it down our throats – Windows. Or, they would buy the 2nd best game in town; do the same and steamroll the competition – MS Word.

And, let’s remember, these were programs; finite and bounded by their features, the “desktop”, as it were. No esoteric marketing schemas involved, no mashups and advertising models for geeks to figure out; just write some code and go home.

It’s not clear that this “desktop capture and rewrap mojo” is even working anymore. One such “program” of recent kidnapping, Great Plains Accounting, has had its name changed twice, been buried in lackluster marketing and sent its original CEO hightailing it back to Fargo. (I am a Great Plains Certified Accounting Application Specialist and, to me, this is a travesty!)

So, there’s no more desktop fun to be had, Softies. If you haven’t already, begin your grieving…NOW.

The Handwriting’s On “The Cloud”

It’s not comfortable too far away from that desktop, is it? It’s only natural to want to stay there, tethered to that Microsoft-grown walled garden, using Windows, Office and Windows-compatible programs written by companies who respect you, fear you and perhaps loathe you. Ouch! (Well, not you, your company. There’s a kind of schizophrenia, isn’t there? You work for a company that bullies the rest of the world and yet…you’re not a bully. Oh, the irony!)

Anyway, I digress. Recap: Nothing left to capture. Desktop’s becoming irrelevant. C’mon, admit it! It’s why you took 5 years to build Vista, only to have the world tell you, “Pretty good job, Softie, but…no features! You’re still in shock and denial regarding the demise of the desktop. It’s only natural.

It’s why you tied a yellow ribbon ‘round the old oak Word, Excel and whatever. To keep the dream alive! We don’t blame you for that. We just hear what you don’t…the music…from the cloud. Turn around. It’s time to face the music. It’s coming from the Cloud.

“Ooo, Eee, Get Offa My Cloud”

Softies, there’s no more desktop to capture…it’s all slowly, painfully - for Microsoft, perhaps - moving to the cloud…the Internet. And, Microsoft hasn’t convinced its stockholders that it can move along with it. Cloud’s a place where some programs reside away from the desk; a place where programs other than Microsoft’s can be used. Gulp! A place where information is paid for by subscriptions (Gulp! Gulp!) and advertisements (Gulp! Gulp! Gulp!)

You mean, “Cloud’s got other players, big and small who know the lay of the clouds better than I do? You mean, I don’t own the cloud and all the things that go on there? You mean I might have to play nicely? You mean, I gotta learn about subscriptions and advertising real fast ‘cuz that’s the way they do things on the cloud? You mean, since I’m not an innovator, I’ve got to dress up my current offerings for the cloud using price, features or synergy as a differentiator? Why, we've got Ray Ozzie to do that. Whew!"

Not so fast, Microsoft! What about the business proposition? And what about content; sex appeal, desirability as it were? All you really know is “features” and how to buy them.

"You mean you're talking a whole system, away from the desktop with monthly income just a…dribbling in?" (Gulp! Barf!)”

Yes, I am afraid we are.

Wait, There’s Still Hope!

Recap: Cloud’s here to stay; you got lotsa money, no experience. What’s a body to do?

One Good Solution: Be the Best Follower You Can Be

Recap: You’re not an Innovator/Leader. Cloud’s a calling.

  1. Ray Ozzie – Copy some unique Cloud solutions.
  2. Grieve the Desktop but milk it dry!
  3. Hire Cloud Expert, Fast! – Nobody there knows the cloud, the biz proposition, the ad models, subscriptions, buzz, web site appeal, and more. Cloud expert needs to be a “been there, done that” person with great cloud clout and great cloud charisma. Position on level with Ray Ozzie if not…dare I say…CEO!
  4. Since cloud is about sharing, learn to share (not you, Softies! Your bosses and the corporate culture). As you learn to share, you’ll be penalized greatly for arrogant, bully behavior, especially when everyone is more equal than before.
  5. As you see the fun in sharing you’ll see the fun in being good; less evil. One can only hope!

One Best Solution: Be the Best Follower You Can Be and Gradually Innovate

Recap: You not an Innovator/Leader. Cloud’s a calling.

  1. All of the “Good Solution” above plus:
  2. Establish an Innovation core in your organization that transcends departments and divisions that fosters Innovative solutions to cloud problems and…less evil. One can only hope!

What Makes Softies Unique

  1. You have been chosen to work for a very successful company with unmatched power to do good…or not.
  2. You are very talented, quite educated and deserve to work for a company that has the power to utilize all of your talents and promote your growth. Microsoft may just evolve into that company. You decide.
  3. You have a unique opportunity to be a part of something very exciting (if Microsoft listens to others) or to languish in the Comfort Zone of the Mediocre (judging from past experience).

Carpe Futuro, Softies!




Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Microstiff - About Mini & Me...You Might be Surprised!

At the risk of over-publishing, I thought you should know the truth about Mini and Me and our relationship. I have no second thoughts about telling you because....well...it's the truth.

First, let me say how appreciative I am that there is such a thing as Mini-Microsoft. As a writer and a geek I've come from 8080 DOS to Vista and WordStar to WordPerfect to Word. I must say that Microsoft Office applications are without a doubt the best productivity solutions in the world.

But I, like others, have had issues with Bill Gates and his methods of doing business. And, I believe that the rank and file at Microsoft are truly good people in a generally evil company. What a great place to do some good through Mini-Microsoft!

Now, the surprise. Mini is my bastard half brother. No, just kidding! The surprise is that Mini and I have absolutely no conversant contact with each other. He publishes me when he wants and I'll sign my comments as either Anonymous or Microstiff.

My point is this. The guy is sterling! (I think it's a guy). He tries as hard as anybody I know or have known to see both sides. Softies, you have a gem here. And, I am not just kissing up. Losing Mini to me only means I can't comment on his blog as Microstiff. No big deal.

Why am I saying all this? So you'll know that we work independently and yet complement each other rather naturally. Mini is very good at shutting down my more vociferous Microstiff/anonymous posts. I'll usually reread and rewrite after a denial from him or...just throw it all away. So, you are being represented very well, at Microsoft, by this guy.

Keep posting to him and tell him what you think. I don't believe there is any legal way you can loose your anonymity when posting from a non-company computer. Keep up the good work, Softies!

"Illegitimi non-carborundum"

Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Microstiff - Mini Hiatus? Why? WTF Indeed!

Yo, Mini. You bring us to new heights of ecstasy only to roll over and start reading the company manual.

And of course, little old me smells a fly in the rat's ointment (Sorry, my eastern Euro accent came back for just a moment). What I'm saying is...stay the course. There are no part-time patriots. AA says, "there's no half measures". I say, "there's no half truths!"

It all comes down to this. You'll lose some of us, sure as can be. Even me if you're gone too long. This universe of ours leaves the window of opportunity open for just so long!

Softies, if the Mini-dude does this, consider commenting on Microstiff. I can't promise the same insider insight but...you can. We will both get to the truth, I can assure you. You can expect interesting comments from me with humor and bite. Don't let this resource -- me -- get away. As a matter of fact, I'll consider not screening the comments unless it gets out of hand.

I don't want this because I think Mini is doing grand but, in the words of the immortal Yogi Bera, "It ain't over until it's over." And, dear hearts, IT AIN'T OVER!

I'll hang on for as long as I can but, no Mini, no Stiffie unless we find another Mini. If you are going to come forward, do it now as a link so we'll all know. Hurry! Mini, you have no idea how important you are. Until then, comment here and make it anything you want it to be with truth as the goal. If that's not what you all want, that's what you'll get. But, if any of this is being done for political or monetary reasons, the universe will ferret it out and truth will survive, in some form. And that, Softies, is the whole truth!

"Illigitimi non carborundum!"

Addendum: (10/10/2006; 8:15 a.m.) Whew! Just read your "not leaving just slowing down" comment. I know I feel better. Did not want to break up the Festrunk Brothers: "Hey, how many astro sign medallions can you wear?" You know, Giorgi and Yortok. "Because.....we are.....TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!" Well, at least we're two crime fighters coming from opposite ends of the spectrum. It's fun.


Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Microstiff – Softies on Mini Bring About Change!

Congrats to Mini and the commenters on his Blog. The way this author sees it, you have spoken up and made a difference. Isn’t that why we’re here? Here’s what you did:

"No, Friday is 'dress down day'"

"This high, Ben, you jump this high!"

"Package? Package! How could you say that!"

She sees this [myMicrosoft] as a more favorable venue to air company complaints than external blogs such as Mini-Microsoft, which she reads but does not participate in.”


It’s to your credit that your words were posted on Mini’s site.
And, it’s to LisaB’s credit that she reads your words. And, I believe she may be listening, too. Here’s why:


Looking further ahead, Brummel said the company will revamp the way managers are evaluated by their staff. Now employees can give feedback on their direct manager, but not on people further up the ladder. That's probably the biggest change on tap for myMicrosoft 2.0, she said.”

This heretofore unmentioned change is now public knowledge and, on face value, just what we wanted and needed: A way to make the manager and worker more accountable to each others goals. Let’s hope this isn’t lip service but a genuine effort to improve the relationship and thus…production.

All in all, this article melted some of the distrust I had for LisaB, which, I might add, came from the perception, real or imagined, that she was “planting” her ideas, just as I do, in the Mini blog. Where I had difficulty, was with the vitriol and deceit of the postings. I refuse to play that way and I continue to have one eye on Ms. Brummel because, after all, no matter what she does or says, she does work for…the Evil Empire. Since birds of a feather and all that…trust and deceit issues will, once again, raise their ugly heads with Ms. Brummel, I fear. I sincerely hope not.

In the meantime, I will continue to play Bad Cop to Mini’s Good Cop for as long as this blog exists. Why? The truth is fun and, after years of figuring out just what truth, is…I enjoy helping you see it and me learn more about it.



Mini-Microsoft: Random October Bits

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Monday, October 09, 2006

Microstiff - "Sir" Explains All.......................

"Is communist plot, Stiff sir. Those who would pull wool over eyes of many good Microsoft people by pretend to be someone else. Is not justify behavior but is act of ticky ticky tembo, no sir rembo, cherry berry roochie, pip perry pembo!"

"Is clear that I myself am making you...for? And?"

"Boola boola, boola boola
Boola boola, boola boola
When we rough house poor old hahvahd
They will holler, "Boola boo"
Oh Yale, Eli Yale! Oh Yale, Eli Yale!
Oh Yale, Eli Yale! Oh Yale, Eli Yale!"

"Open the pod bay doors please, HAL."

"I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen."

"I'm melting, I'm melting!"

"Corey? Corey? Corrrreeeeee...”

"Dave...my mind is going...I can feel it...I can feel it."






Mini-Microsoft: Microsoft Internal Transfers Just Got a Whole Lot Easier

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Microstiff - Take Off that Spirit Gum Moustache, LisaB...

...we know it's you! You can't hide behind that eastern European dialect...forever! Each posting is sprinkled with more and more "the's" and better and better words; if I didn't know better, I'd say you were becoming...well...unraveled.

Honestly, your latest post, Sunday, October 08, 2006 11:39:13 PM, (burning the midnight oil, are we?) is filled with clues:


  • "It is one way to measure the market value of an asset. A good employee is an asset. In economics, the market value of an asset is not what a person think the value but it is what two persons think its value is." - suddenly the eastern European demeanor gives way to Keynesian economics. Rank and file just doesn't think this way; this is coming out of the mouth of a corporate chess player of the HR ilk.
  • "Take the house example above. Suppose you and your spouse are the only two persons who thinks the house is one million but all other thinks it is only half a million (assume you and your spouse have the same joint bank account). Now, what do you think you want to pay for the house? Do you want you and your spouse competing for the same asset? I bet no. Then why do you want the two groups of Microsoft compete with each other when the salary is going to come out from the same bank account? Microsoft wants you to move freely within the company. But it does not want that the new group gets you by offering more money." - More HR-think. Above all else, encourage growth without expense. Pitiful.

  • "Microsoft wants that the new group attracts you by offering more opportunity to work better. This is the reason why Microsoft does not want the new group to offer a higher level." - Bullshit! They want to save a buck. More foot shooting, if you ask this author.

  • "Of course, a strict policy no matter how good it is is never optimal. I am glad Microsoft corrected it in the sense that if the move is an exceptional case then a promotion can be offered." - Yes, of course, we here at HR are always willing to consider the ultra-exceptional case where the employee doesn't REALLY understand how valuable they are and we do. Then...we'll split the difference.
  • "Value of a multi-facet asset like an employee is quite subjective. It is not always clear what an employee is truly worth." - More high level HR-speak; and...where'd that accent go, Lisa? Your moustache is drooping.

  • "Like you are never in the market to continuously evaluate your market value similarly the manager does not continuosly keep evaluating you." - HR-speak for "too much effing work...plus, they know the answer, anyway, your value is...well....higher!

  • "In business it is always professionalism or say money talk. Nobody takes anything personally." - There's the accent! Whew, I was concerned about the possibility of the total Americanization of this eastern European with the big vocabulary and dangling participles! Oh, and by the way, you're right Lisa, nobody ever takes anything personally in business, especially managers feeling betrayed by team members wanting to leave their glorious department. Oh, there's one other group of people who also just might take things personally: Effing Human Beings!

Mini-Microsoft: Microsoft Internal Transfers Just Got a Whole Lot Easier

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Microstiff - The First Annual "Stiffie Award" goes to "The Peter Principle" (or at least Microsoft's version of it)

Commenter to the Mini-Microsoft site said:

dude, its tough managing a large corp. There is no way in Heaven (ABM) or on Earth (IAM) that inside will generate the creative results you want.

Corps, governments, HR flunkies (sorry Lisa, but you are only as good as the structure you prop up) all have reached their Peter Principled Level of Perfection which destroys individuals and unique solutions, which is exactly what Microsoft needs right now."


Ah, yes, the good old Peter Principle. Thanks for reminding us, dude. Nice alliteration! “Peter Principled Level of Perfection.” Of course, the Peter Principle is about reaching one’s level of incompetence but, alliteration demanded and dude delivered…the alliterative... "Perfection". “Yah see… (spoken like John Stewart doing George Bush) it's because, here at Microsoft, incompetence IS perfection...at least in the management ranks. Yah see?”

But, it’s not the incompetence that destroys individuals and unique solutions; it’s the willingness to REMAIN incompetent. It's what Dr. Scott Peck of "Road Less Traveled" fame calls the "militant ignorance." In other words: Stupidly, stubbornly, continually, denyingly ignoring the facts. Can you think of some examples present in our current political climate? Yah see? How does this relate to Microsoft: Well, IMO, Softies weren’t hired as incompetents; they had to GET THAT WAY! It’s the CULTURE of incompetence that promotes the BEHAVIOR of incompetence. It’s become a habit, primarily at the management levels. But, that’s ALL it is…HABIT. Yah see?

So, there is hope and it comes from on high. That very small group of MSFT managers who, unknowingly or not, promote and cultivate incompetence can likewise...kill it! Let’s use LisaB, as an example:

LisaB has the power to begin to turn the ship around almost immediately. How? Simply stop using employees as HR guinea pigs by requiring the embarrassing notification to current managers of the desire to interview internally; a system that is unnatural, at best, and unusable at worst. A system that promotes departmental incompetence by causing good employees to either depressingly stagnate their own human spirits in their current positions or look outside of Microsoft to nurture that spirit! Either way, Microsoft loses, yah see! (Wow, that's pretty heady stuff - "either way, Microsoft loses." Would make rational men and women wanna stop what they're doin' and...well...do what it takes to...win.)

And, so why not check in with your boss, Lisa, and then take this one small step for the employees and one giant leap for Microsoft and ELIMINATE PERMISSION-BASED INTERNAL INTERVIEWING altogether? Honestly, I wish I were in Lisa’s position to take such a bold yet simple step to bring so much good to 71,000 employees! It’d be a no brainer to me – no money, no costly program administration just a simple announcement. Yah see?



Mini-Microsoft: Microsoft Internal Transfers Just Got a Whole Lot Easier

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